What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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