In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
