Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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