cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
