Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
