i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
