sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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