I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
