At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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