Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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