I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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