PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize