I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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