Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
