you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Found the puke drawer
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
