I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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