I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
