When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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