So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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