see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
