He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
