I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
