i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
