you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
