Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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