You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
