Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
