I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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