I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
