you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
