i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
