Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
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I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
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The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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