if you like me you must not know who I am
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
