After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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