What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
