My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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