I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
