I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
