I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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