His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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