OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
