life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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