How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I cockslap morals
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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