Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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