Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
