why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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