Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
