After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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