I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Enjoy the penises
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
