last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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