You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
