If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
