I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
