im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
