First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!