I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
